Sigh.

I know that I haven’t blogged in awhile. I suppose the reasoning falls somewhere between life being highly distracting and interestingly jarring.

An event not least of which is that I have put off my surgery indefinitely. I feel sort of empty and achingly disappointed in myself.

I prepared. I was ready to have the surgery. My goals were nearly met. I’d been poked, prodded, and questioned within an inch of my life. I kept my head down working towards this goal, marching diligently forward for over a year, spending thousands of dollars in the process.

The reasons behind why I wanted to have the surgery in the first place were so abstract that it became hard to stay motivated. I am not having the surgery because I am unhappy with who I am. I am not having the surgery to fit into some societal idea of how my life should be. I am not having the surgery to make anyone else happy.

I am having the surgery for my future. I am having surgery so that I can have children and so that my children will have a mom. I’m having the surgery so that those people I love will not be overburdened with my care as I age. I am having the surgery because I want to spend as many breaths as I can completely and utterly in love.

I decided to put the surgery off though. I decided to put off surgery because it started to feel unnecessary. It felt like a huge risk that I didn’t need to take right now. The idea of having children has been so abstract for so long. When you have the surgery you can’t get pregnant for 2 years. You make that commitment. The whole situation is abstract because I am not trying to get pregnant right now. I've been satisfied with the vague idea that I will be a mom someday.

What to do?

The most wonderful man recently grasped my hand and whispered in my ear a reminder that these goals aren’t as abstract as I tend to think. “I might” is turning into “We will.” Not now. Within 5 years. A concrete goal! A less abstract yet powerful reminder.

Through conversations with my best friend I realized that I am restless since deciding to have the surgery. Being in a point where all of my longterm goals seem to hinge on whether or not and when I have the surgery I need to make a finite dicision.

Therefore I am setting a threshold. I am giving myself until the end of the year. If I have not made significant strides towards having the surgery by the end of the year I’m done. I will end my quest towards surgery and find an alternative means to become healthy.

I will try to blog as I can about that. I will be spending a great deal of time working on my house and gardening and will digress towards those subjects in the meantime as well. : )