The pug and anxiety.

Ugg. I can't sleep. I'm trying to adopt a pug and he tried to attack my cat. No bueno. He woke me up at 5 o'clock in the morning. What's he doing now? Snoring at my side. Punk.

I put off my surgery. I was supposed to have it this week. Why did I put it off? I was spooked.

I mentioned in a post a LONG time ago that I had to have a full evaluation done for the gastric bypass. When I had the whole evaluation done that included a whole psychological evaluation. The psychological evaluation found out something that, apparently, people around me already knew. I have anxiety.

I didn't think too much of it - didn't think that it affected my life very much. That was until I talked to a guy I used to date.

Let's call him "Jose." I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for something distracting while getting over a bad bad bad relationship. He responded. We both realized, soon after meeting, that we shared an incredibly intense bond. I fell for him like I'd never fallen for anyone in my life. We rushed it. We made proclamations and commitments within a week of meeting. I was intoxicated. I was in love.

The MOMENT I make these commitments a knot formed in my stomach and I felt like I was suffocating. I tried to shake it off. I told myself that I had found my soulmate. That I deserved his love and attention. The voice in the back of my head was loud, insistent, and panicky. "He'll leave! You don't deserve him! He's not true!" I never told him about my concerns. I bottled it up and tried to soldier on. It affected the way that I dealt with our relationship. If I didn't hear from him in a few days I'd start to panic. A million thoughts ran through my mind. They all boiled down to "if I don't talk to him he'll forget about me." So I'd try to talk to him but the cadence and narrative got high-pitched and uneven. We broke up after three or four months of barely communicating.

I found out soon after that I have anxiety. I didn't think anything of it. My life is low stress. I could have the surgery and be fine. I didn't realize how wrong I was.

Jose and I recently reconnected as friends. I still think he's an amazing person. I told him about my thought process while we were dating and realized how my anxiety made it impossible for me to chill out and enjoy the company of an extraordinary man with whom I can talk about everything and nothing at the same time. I lost out on one of those once or twice in a lifetime situations because I didn't address my issues.

It's not like the surgery will make my anxiety go away. I've put my date off til March. I'll see a therapist in the meantime to smooth out the wrinkles. And soldier on.