The pug and anxiety.

Ugg. I can't sleep. I'm trying to adopt a pug and he tried to attack my cat. No bueno. He woke me up at 5 o'clock in the morning. What's he doing now? Snoring at my side. Punk.

I put off my surgery. I was supposed to have it this week. Why did I put it off? I was spooked.

I mentioned in a post a LONG time ago that I had to have a full evaluation done for the gastric bypass. When I had the whole evaluation done that included a whole psychological evaluation. The psychological evaluation found out something that, apparently, people around me already knew. I have anxiety.

I didn't think too much of it - didn't think that it affected my life very much. That was until I talked to a guy I used to date.

Let's call him "Jose." I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for something distracting while getting over a bad bad bad relationship. He responded. We both realized, soon after meeting, that we shared an incredibly intense bond. I fell for him like I'd never fallen for anyone in my life. We rushed it. We made proclamations and commitments within a week of meeting. I was intoxicated. I was in love.

The MOMENT I make these commitments a knot formed in my stomach and I felt like I was suffocating. I tried to shake it off. I told myself that I had found my soulmate. That I deserved his love and attention. The voice in the back of my head was loud, insistent, and panicky. "He'll leave! You don't deserve him! He's not true!" I never told him about my concerns. I bottled it up and tried to soldier on. It affected the way that I dealt with our relationship. If I didn't hear from him in a few days I'd start to panic. A million thoughts ran through my mind. They all boiled down to "if I don't talk to him he'll forget about me." So I'd try to talk to him but the cadence and narrative got high-pitched and uneven. We broke up after three or four months of barely communicating.

I found out soon after that I have anxiety. I didn't think anything of it. My life is low stress. I could have the surgery and be fine. I didn't realize how wrong I was.

Jose and I recently reconnected as friends. I still think he's an amazing person. I told him about my thought process while we were dating and realized how my anxiety made it impossible for me to chill out and enjoy the company of an extraordinary man with whom I can talk about everything and nothing at the same time. I lost out on one of those once or twice in a lifetime situations because I didn't address my issues.

It's not like the surgery will make my anxiety go away. I've put my date off til March. I'll see a therapist in the meantime to smooth out the wrinkles. And soldier on.

Pocket full of keys.

When I was a teenager my family took our first big road trip to the West. The one that every family should do (Badlands, Yellowstone, Grand Canyon). My brother dubbed the song "Can't Get You Off My Mind" by Lenny Kravitz as the inaugural song of our journey. Since then I've associated all beginnings with that song.

I'm starting out an journey of my own and only recently just felt it. I was cognisant of my journey but have kept my head down just trying to get through the grind of preparation, I only now just looked up to realize what lies ahead. I guess the preparation is really part of the journey.

I figured that the most appropriate way to really have an encompassing understanding of the undertaking was to journal about it. But what if what someone in a similar journey can give or take something valuable by knowing what I'm going through? Also, this is kind of a motivator to keep me on track towards my goals. It's harder to stray from the path when there's an audience.

What, you may ask, is my journey?


I've got a couple, actually.



* I'm trying to buy a house. I wanted to find out what I'd need to qualify, so I applied for pre-approval. And found out that I'm qualified. I was, to say the least, a little shocked.



* I'm having gastric by-pass surgery. My dream is to have a family. Due to current health restrictions, I cannot become and/or sustain a pregnancy.



* I want to put my degree to good use. I'm gearing towards becoming a corporate trainer where I work. There are no jobs right now (really, not anywhere) but if I push my boat in that general direction, I hope to catch the wave when the changes take place here.


* I'm thinking about going back to school. I might want to become a doctor of Sociology or just get my MBA. The surgery should help make it easier to concentrate and give me more energy to waste burning the candle at both ends.

I'll outline the steps towards those goals a more solidly as the weeks go on. Let the games begin!